Take me back Lord to when I first knew You....when I first beheld Your face....when I first knew of Your wonderful love....when I heard Your voice above all others and I knew....I knew that it was You. Take me back to the beginning of our relationship....when it was all new to me....when I called out to You and You answered....take me back.
This morning came earlier than normal for me....three a.m. After a bit I picked up my phone and started scrolling through facebook and played a word on a game....at sometime between 3 and 4....really?! My thoughts were something like....What's wrong with me? I should be sleeping! I turned out the light and begin to think of the stuff going on in my life. Thinking turns into more than thinking....anxiousness starts to set in. Then....something I used to always do when I was anxious....scared....feeling alone....flashed in my thoughts. Something I haven't really done in a long time. I use to place my Bible on my chest and hold it there when I couldn't sleep....when the remembering happened....when I had to leave the lights on to sleep....when I just needed to feel closer to the Lord. With the Bible on my chest I would talk to Him and He would calm me....sleep would come. It always worked for me. The Lord knew that I just needed to feel Him closer....He would respond. So this morning I reached over and picked up the Bible beside me and placed it on my chest. A connecting point between me and the Lord....His Word....then comes prayer....conversation really....connection.
Did I go back to sleep....no. I find myself sitting at my desk....Bible open. I read a few verses then started to write....not knowing where I was going with this....just writing....not knowing why I'm sharing this with all of you. Then I looked at the verses I had read and what I had written when I first sat down here....
John 10:27-30
27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, 29 for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand. 30 The Father and I are one.”
Perfect words for a mind/heart that is a bit confused.
There has been a lack within myself....something amiss....not quite right. I've felt it....I've known it....I don't like it! You know....it's easy to step back from how you know you should be living. Not really turning from things you believe....not turning your back to the Lord....just not always dong what you should be doing for Him. Maybe it's just....letting a bit too much of the world into your life.
Not spending the quality time with the Lord that you know you should. Wanting to hear His voice like you did in the past....but knowing that maybe the problem is....you just really haven't listened when you last did hear Him! Maybe....just maybe....that's why the feeling of lack. The feeling that things within just aren't right. Jesus wants us to listen. How can we truly follow if we aren't truly listening for....and to....His voice?
What I wrote at the beginning of this post is true....I want things to be like they use to be in my relationship with the Lord....yet better. I want to know Him more than I did back then. I want to know Him with more fervor....more intensity! I want to know Him more....and more....and more....until I feel as if I will explode with His love! I want to hear Him more....know Him more....and follow Him with all I have inside me! I want to have a radical love for Him!! Jesus gave me something that I never thought I would ever have....something I always wanted....His love....Salvation....Eternal life!
It is now 7:15 and I have found calm....and another verse....
Psalms 27:14
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Sometimes....through all of life....we just have to wait. Things don't always happen as we expect or want them too. But if we do as this verse says....which is rarely easy....in the end....it will all be okay.
One day soon we will see Jesus. Won't that be an amazing....breathtakingly beautiful day!
We shall see Him just as He promised....
"until we see JESUS....face to face"
Beautifully honest post, I know exactly what you mean. The lovely thing is that the Holy Spirit brings to remembrance in these times the very words we need at that particular time. We are encouraged by our wonderful God to take every thought captive and bring it into obedience to Christ (the word). That word has the power to bring into existence that which does not exist, and a peace that passes all understanding. We shall be still and know that He is God in these times.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you as you hold fast to that which is good.
Our first love is Jesus. It is Him who calls us and beckons us. It is Him who loves us...I mean really loves us. It is we who respond to His love, His calling His voice. As worldly cares usher in His voice is quieted and can be drowned out. It happens to all of us. Yet, He calls and beckons us and sometimes puts us through things that are hard so we will miss Him and seek after Him like we did in the beginning. He is always there waiting for us to come running to Him.
ReplyDeletePrayers often for you hon. I know this feeling. What is cool, is this feeling grows with us desiring Him even more than we first did because of who He is.
<><